Inspired by my last post of evaluating whether we know what we want, I began to evaluate my own desires. I have had a desire to become a boxer. This is not a wild fantasy,  I have been training for over 3 years now and I have talent. With commitment, I could have a successful career. It seems rather simple doesn’t it, commit and my desires will be fulfilled. That is just it, I haven’t been able tocommit. When I originally started boxing, I had no desire to compete. (The thought of getting hit was terrifying and ridiculous.) Now that I say it out-loud, I can’t understand what brought me to the gym in the first place. It was an impulse. Once I started the training something came alive in me. Walking into the gym, a stillness settles over me. No matter what is happening on the outside world, inside those walls we are all equal. The only thing that separates us is our skill level and commitment to the sport. Poor people, rich people, ignorant people, wise people, we all come together and have a unity. We are in it alone, yet we are all together simultaneously. I don’t know if everyone feels this way about the sport, but I do. And many others do to, and that is what connects us. Everyone thinks that fighters are  crazy, but when we see another fighter, it makes sense.

So, what is the problem? Well for about 2 years now, I have said that I want to fight, with no fight to my record. I’ve trained hard but the moment a fight comes along something falls through. Sometimes there are no fighters available for me, and sometimes I am not available. I have to work, I dont have enough time to train, I am not at the proper weight. I take full blame for this. When I have thought about giving up a huge part of me says, ’you will regret never trying’. It is true, I must be at peace with the reason of why I did not pursue boxing. I don’t want to think for the rest of my life what could have been if I had only gotten my sh*t together.

This is what I have so far been unable to resolve; What side is my ego on?   Has my ego taken the side of, you must become a boxer or you will be a failure all your life. Or, has my ego sided with, If you become a boxer you will be poor and not be able to live you life freely. You will have to sacrifice more than you are willing. What’s the point. Is it possible that my ego is fighting both sides and has left me, my body and my progress, in a ditch unable to move.  At this point I have to question myself. I have lectured myself and gone to the gym many times saying, this time I am going to make it. This time I am going to be consistent and I will get a fight.  I will train hard for a period and then stop. Each time it is getting shorter and shorter. And right now I haven’t gone to the gym in a month. It seems clear that I won’t become a boxer this way, that I am sure of.

 So again I ask myself the question, if I have struggled so long to become something my mind is resisting, does that mean I should stop and accept the fact that boxing will never be a career for me. Even asking that question now, I don’t know.  But I believe for the first time, I am willing  to accept an answer. I have gotten so deep in this rut, it seemed as though I would never get out.

So now I am going to sit in silence and ask for the answer.