I have been casually seeing this man for about 1 1/2 years. I have always liked him but only from a distance. I never got close enough to him to have a relationship. I think he has grown spiritually over the past few years, and so have I. I always hold him in high regard, but just thought that there are a few things about him that I would not be ok with. He drinks a lot and smokes pot. ( He has a good job and takes good care of himself.So not the typical pot head)  I had my crazy years and for me, I have been through that and I am over that and now I don’t enjoy smoking anymore. I don’t think there is anything wrong if he wants to do that, but I know I would get very frustrated with him if we were dating. I don’t want to change him so we have remained friends for the most part.

 We are very intimate with each-other. It is not just about sex. I go to see him and we talk for hours, before and after. He listens to everything I have to say. He knows me so well, sometimes I think he understands me better than I understand myself. I am truly amazed at how much he pays attention to what I say and what I want. I told him that he should where lotion so his skin is soft, and now he uses lotion. (I can feel the difference!) I said I like it when he wears cologne, (he wears cologne every-time I see him.) I am just so amazed at how sweet and nice he is.

I recently had a revelation about myself. I realized that I won’t open myself up to the people who I really think are important to me. Now I know that sounds like a cliche, but when you see other people doing it, and you point it out about other people. Then all of a sudden you see that you do that same thing, it is crazy. Now, I would admit before that I keep people at a distance. Maybe that is why I was so shocked, because I knew I did it, but I did not realize to what extent. I thought that I was aware of the way I was. Now after a series of experiences that I have had, I am starting to open my eyes.  This whole time I think I was subconsciously doing things that would keep the men I want from wanting me, and me from wanting the men that want me. And what is even more confusing… There are two men!

Now I am not with either of these men, so I am not cheating or lying about anything, so this is not about that. But one man I dated for over two years. I broke up with him because he would not totally open up to me.  Then after him I met the second man. We casually dated off and on. I still talk to both of them. The first man, when I speak to him, i think I am glad we are not together now, but I can see a future with him. He is incredibly wise, honest, gorgeous man who makes my heart melt when I see or speak to him. ( not because he sweet talks me, just because I love and respect him as a person.) He definitely cares about me, but I think he keeps me at arms length away. Then the second man, the one who I keep at an arms’ length away. He is not quite as wise but he is very insightful. He gives himself to me, listens to me, adores me, is always there when I need him.  (Actually the first and second man are very different, but the core personality traits are very similar. They are both very honest, very loyal, very insightful, and tell it exactly how it is. )

So I just had two separate experiences with both of these men recently. (not sexual, just emotional.) I was mad at the first, and we spoke about it. Cleared out a lot of issues that I had kept from the time we dated. I realized how wonderful he was, and how I over react and blow things way out of proportion. He, of course, used his wisdom to calm me down and I felt so much better. I realized why I have always just loved this man with all of my heart.

Then a few days later I went to visit my second man. We sat and talked about what was going on in my life. I talk to him about the other man,  and we talk about other woman he is dating. I told him that I was blogging, and his response was, “That is perfect for you. You can vent your feelings and be completely anonymous about it” He always says little things like that, that show me how much he pays attention to who I am and what I am like. It was so wonderful to talk to him. He is genuinely interested in me and what I do. He really is a great guy. I thought to myself. Wow, AM I treating him the same way that my x treats me.  If that is true, it consoles me to know that because,  I do truly care about the second man. I think that I just don’t know how to open up to him.I think subconsciously I sabotage myself. So maybe the first guy feels the same, he does care about me but doesn’t know how to be open. 

 So now that I am opening my eyes, how does this work. Will the first guy one day open his eyes to me. Or now that my eyes are open , do I look and see the man in front of me. Right now I am not going to do anything. I am going to explore these thoughts and emotions. I am just so thankful that I have been able to spend time with these two wonderful men. They are truly sooo special and I am blessed to share myself with them. I have no idea how this situation will turn out, all I am going to focus on is that all 3 of us end up with the perfect person. MAybe none of us will be together or maybe I will end up with one of these wonderful men. I am just so happy that I am learning so much about myself and that I am 27 years old and have given myself time to develop into the person I am before choosing the one man I spend my life with.   

Ladies, make sure you tell your men how wonderful they are. We need to spend more time with positive reinforcement and QUIT NAGGING. There are some amazing guys just waiting to share themselves with us.