right in front of our face!

I have been casually seeing this man for about 1 1/2 years. I have always liked him but only from a distance. I never got close enough to him to have a relationship. I think he has grown spiritually over the past few years, and so have I. I always hold him in high regard, but just thought that there are a few things about him that I would not be ok with. He drinks a lot and smokes pot. ( He has a good job and takes good care of himself.So not the typical pot head)  I had my crazy years and for me, I have been through that and I am over that and now I don’t enjoy smoking anymore. I don’t think there is anything wrong if he wants to do that, but I know I would get very frustrated with him if we were dating. I don’t want to change him so we have remained friends for the most part.

 We are very intimate with each-other. It is not just about sex. I go to see him and we talk for hours, before and after. He listens to everything I have to say. He knows me so well, sometimes I think he understands me better than I understand myself. I am truly amazed at how much he pays attention to what I say and what I want. I told him that he should where lotion so his skin is soft, and now he uses lotion. (I can feel the difference!) I said I like it when he wears cologne, (he wears cologne every-time I see him.) I am just so amazed at how sweet and nice he is.

I recently had a revelation about myself. I realized that I won’t open myself up to the people who I really think are important to me. Now I know that sounds like a cliche, but when you see other people doing it, and you point it out about other people. Then all of a sudden you see that you do that same thing, it is crazy. Now, I would admit before that I keep people at a distance. Maybe that is why I was so shocked, because I knew I did it, but I did not realize to what extent. I thought that I was aware of the way I was. Now after a series of experiences that I have had, I am starting to open my eyes.  This whole time I think I was subconsciously doing things that would keep the men I want from wanting me, and me from wanting the men that want me. And what is even more confusing… There are two men!

Now I am not with either of these men, so I am not cheating or lying about anything, so this is not about that. But one man I dated for over two years. I broke up with him because he would not totally open up to me.  Then after him I met the second man. We casually dated off and on. I still talk to both of them. The first man, when I speak to him, i think I am glad we are not together now, but I can see a future with him. He is incredibly wise, honest, gorgeous man who makes my heart melt when I see or speak to him. ( not because he sweet talks me, just because I love and respect him as a person.) He definitely cares about me, but I think he keeps me at arms length away. Then the second man, the one who I keep at an arms’ length away. He is not quite as wise but he is very insightful. He gives himself to me, listens to me, adores me, is always there when I need him.  (Actually the first and second man are very different, but the core personality traits are very similar. They are both very honest, very loyal, very insightful, and tell it exactly how it is. )

So I just had two separate experiences with both of these men recently. (not sexual, just emotional.) I was mad at the first, and we spoke about it. Cleared out a lot of issues that I had kept from the time we dated. I realized how wonderful he was, and how I over react and blow things way out of proportion. He, of course, used his wisdom to calm me down and I felt so much better. I realized why I have always just loved this man with all of my heart.

Then a few days later I went to visit my second man. We sat and talked about what was going on in my life. I talk to him about the other man,  and we talk about other woman he is dating. I told him that I was blogging, and his response was, “That is perfect for you. You can vent your feelings and be completely anonymous about it” He always says little things like that, that show me how much he pays attention to who I am and what I am like. It was so wonderful to talk to him. He is genuinely interested in me and what I do. He really is a great guy. I thought to myself. Wow, AM I treating him the same way that my x treats me.  If that is true, it consoles me to know that because,  I do truly care about the second man. I think that I just don’t know how to open up to him.I think subconsciously I sabotage myself. So maybe the first guy feels the same, he does care about me but doesn’t know how to be open. 

 So now that I am opening my eyes, how does this work. Will the first guy one day open his eyes to me. Or now that my eyes are open , do I look and see the man in front of me. Right now I am not going to do anything. I am going to explore these thoughts and emotions. I am just so thankful that I have been able to spend time with these two wonderful men. They are truly sooo special and I am blessed to share myself with them. I have no idea how this situation will turn out, all I am going to focus on is that all 3 of us end up with the perfect person. MAybe none of us will be together or maybe I will end up with one of these wonderful men. I am just so happy that I am learning so much about myself and that I am 27 years old and have given myself time to develop into the person I am before choosing the one man I spend my life with.   

Ladies, make sure you tell your men how wonderful they are. We need to spend more time with positive reinforcement and QUIT NAGGING. There are some amazing guys just waiting to share themselves with us.

Is there something wrong with me?

I am the type of person who is very independent. I really don’t mind being single. I am willing to date someone who I am interested in, but if  no one sparks my interest then I am perfectly content on my own. I live with a male roommate, and we have never been anything more than friends. This weekend we hung out because I had Friday and Saturday off. ( i normally work on the weekends. ) Anyway, we hung out all weekend. We went to lunch , then dinner and then lunch the next day. Since we are good friends we of course will bicker a little bit.   Not much, but a little bit. It felt like we were a couple.  After spending this time with him, I thought to myself. I AM SO GLAD AM A SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely hate bickering. Hate it. And no matter what, every couple does it. Even if it is just a little bit they do it. It is hard not to when you spend that much time with someone, there will be disagreements even in the nicest relationship.  But for me, even the smallest amount is not worth it for me. I know I should not judge by spending time with my roommate, since we don’t date, it is different, and the benefits are not there.

Now, I am perfectly fine with the idea that I like being single. But I guess I would like to question myself to see if I am not emotionally unavailable. Most people who are not in relationships are considered emotionally unavailable. They are afraid of intimacy or afraid of commitment.

For me, I am by nature a very loyal person, so I am not afraid of commitment. Intimacy: I feel like  all of my relationships, friends or x boyfriends I am open with them, and I feel a deep connection to them. I don’t like superficial relationships, even with friends. I am not sure how I would react if a man was always telling me he couldn’t live without me, and was always around. I might feel claustrophobic. ( Maybe that is a sign, I don’t know.) When I think about living with someone, it just seems like a lot of extra work. I guess some people find comfort in it because all the bills are split along with the house work. But for me, I think that there are more disagreements, more bickering. When you don’t live with someone, there are less situations to deal with. There is no need to fight, you can both have the freedom to live the way you want to live.

It is funny, when people ask me if I am married, I get all sorts of feed back. I freely say no and some people say “smart girl!” and  other people ask, ” well are you dating someone” No again. Then the sympathetic looks. It makes me laugh. By no means do I feel like I am like the women from “sex and the city” I am not like Carey who is willing to go out with anyone. Or Charlotte who is desperate looking for her true love. And I definitely don’t like to just sleep with every man I see, so I am not Samantha. I guess maybe I could be like Miranda, but not as pessimistic. (Or maybe I am, but I just think it is funny.)  Anyway, I really just think that I am me. In this moment I am trying to analyze each aspect of my  life and evaluate myself. This might be an area where I am fine the way that I’m, or there might be some room for new mind sets.

Maybe because I am from a divorced family, but  I just thought i would put it out there. In this day and age people with all sorts of lifestyles are being accepted. Is there something wrong with the people who don’t want to get married? Or is this a new lifestyle that is becoming more accepted.  

I would love to hear your thoughts!

paying attention to our feelings

I have mentioned in a post before about staying positive. So today I thought to myself, if I am constantly having to renew my spirits every 3rd day, then there must be something that I am doing that is causing me to stress out. So now that I have analyzed what is causing the problems in my life, now it is time to address the problems. I think all of these steps are essential to learn and grow. ( I will let you know if it works. By analyzing the thought process before any action is taken, it allows us to understand and prevent a similar situation from happening. Now if we stay in the analyzing mode for too long then we begin to panic again. I think that is what I am dealing with now. I am able to calm my thoughts, but it is a constant thing. If I begin to take action now, I can know that I am in a good frame of mind and my success is guaranteed.

 I know that this time has been a lesson for me. I have been able to see my true feelings and desires and become much more aware of who I am and what I want to achieve.

If something good comes from a bad situation, then nothing bad can happen to you. Keep this in mind and you know that you will have a blessed life.

My daily miracles:

I would like to write a post about something fantastic. I would like to write once a day how using the law of attraction and positive thinking has helped me.

Today: This is a great one. I was thinking about money, and really feeling better about bringing money into my life. Meanwhile my credit  card company is stalking me. anyway, I answer the phone and they said that my payment did not process. I told them that I have money in my account and they may take out the money now. ( Keep in mind I can use that money for another bill that is equally important.)  Then as she reviewed my information, she said, “Actually it looks like your account is paid one month ahead. So now you are even and we can skip this last automatic withdrawal. So the next payment will come out as scheduled next month. “)    

WOW WOW WOW. that is exactly why I don’t want to tell the universe (god) how to do its job, because I would have never thought of that! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

Are we speaking the same language.

Occationally when speaking to others, it becomes more of a stressful situation, when in actuality we are both trying to help. I believe in the Law of attraction, my room mate believes in planning, making things better. I think for some people having a plan is the catalyst to the law of attraction. But for people like me, I don’t really have a plan, but I have the end result in mind. My roommate made a lot of good points, but all I felt was more anxiety and my chest started to seize up. I think it is important to be careful on who you talk to about certain subjects, but also be open to other peoples insights. My roommate was trying to help me, and maybe if I hadn’t have such a reaction to what he was saying then I wouldn’t be so anxious. Again, I am having a reaction to something that doesn’t have to do with him.

 I want to compete in boxing. I have been training for 3 years and have not had a fight. The only REAL excuse I believe is that I am afraid of failure. Again going back to my previous post that talks about the end result, but not allowing yourself to take steps and make mistakes. I have been struggling back and forth thinking that I can not consentrate on boxing until I payoff my debit. (I have to work extra hard to pay the bills recently) Well, with that thought process I have only gotten further in debit!! Damn it! ARRRGGGHH…And breathe,  And back to the happy state and loving being. So he said to me, ‘put boxing on hold and pay off your debit, you can not do 2 things at once. And you have to have time limits.’ The two thought processes that have got me into this situation in the first place. Again, another person reminding me of what issues I have to deal with and create affirmations to get rid of these negative restricting thought patterns. It is very interesting, I feel like every conversation I have, another issue is coming to the surface to help me improve. At this rate I will be in nirvana by the end of the month.

Anyway, I think that I just needed to release that tension, and again I feel better. Never under estimate the power of positive thinking and releasing your thoughts.

I LOVE BLOGGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who’ fault is it.

Over the weekend I experienced something interesting. I have an x-boyfriend who I still keep in contact with. It is a very pleasurable friendship, there is definitely a special connection between us. We have been broken up for about 1 year. Over the weekend I asked him for something, and his usual response was “no”. Part of the reason I broke up with him is because I felt like he was to distanced from me. Well, this weekend when I asked him for a favor and he said no, I immediately was brought back to the place of anger and frustration with him. My thoughts told me that he uses me, that he doesn’t care about me, that he is selfish. My heart tells me something different. It tells me that he cares about me, he may not be considerate but that doesn’t mean that he has used me. So I really started to break down these thoughts, ( with the help of my brother and my good friends.)

It surprised me that I was having such a reaction to this situation. Clearly I won’t deny that I still care for this person, but I am very content with my decision to remain friends. So why am I having this strong reaction. My friend referred me back to a book called “loving what is” that helps you to evaluate your true emotions. He suggested that my emotion really doesn’t have anything to do with that person, but that it has something to do with myself. So focus on how I feel. When I did this, a thought pattern revealed itself. I feel used. There have been many instances where this was true in my past, but now even in circumstances where I am not being used, I feel that I am. (Or the possibility that I am being used is true but it is because of my thought process that I am attracting this kind of behavior.)

At first, it does not feel good to think that I am the one with the problem. But then you realize that if I am the one with the problem, then I can be the one with the solution. If I am giving off the vibration that I feel used then the people in my life are doing exactly what they are suppose to do and responding to what I am asking for. I am a person who is extremely receptive to people’s energy. I can definitely tell a huge difference between each person. There are some people I walk by and I just feel like punching them. (Of course I don’t, but think about it. ) Why would I have a desire to hit someone I don’t know anything about. Their energy is so loud and so negative that even a stranger has the urge to abuse them. If you run across a person who follows all of their urges without regard to right or wrong, then in an instant you become a victim.

I definitely feel like I am a very special person. I like who I am ,but in this case I realized that I do have some negative thoughts. And I also realized where they are coming from. It is not the fact that I have made mistakes in the past, it is the fact that I haven’t forgiven myself. I could care less about the people who hurt me, but just the few people who I have opened myself up to and have been hurt from are the ones that affect me. ( I am sure that is true for most people.) And in these cases I say to myself, I was such an idiot!! How could I not see that. My anger stays directed at them, when it is really my own anger at myself. So I am never able to forgive these people because I am trying to forgive the wrong people. I need to forgive myself.  and once I forgive myself for those mistakes that I have made in the past then I am able to give off a better vibration. I will attract people or situations in my life where people can  give to me, want to do favors for me. Now that feels like a much better place.

I think that I know how I will turn out in my life. I know that I will reach a high level of wisdom and spirituality. And because I know the end result I don’t allow myself to make mistakes, I beat myself up and think that I should know better. But we all get to the top from the bottom.  We all go through these moments to learn and get to the top. That goes for life and success. I think it is an important realization. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist. (I definitely don’t reflect that on the outside.) But I definitely need to be accepting of my faults like I am with my friends. Maybe you feel the same way. So let’s all say it together.

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, People like me.”   

What are we protecting.

Today at work I was telling a co-worker about my blog. I showed her my brothers page and a friends page. I personally keep my blog confidential and do not expose my information. I told my friend that I would show her my page set-up (because I think it is pretty) But I asked her not to read my page. She said of course not, I would not do that,  but the moment I  opened the page to show the back ground settings she began to read.  So the debate in my head, SHould I cancel this post and start a new one. The thought of her reading this , ( who may very well be reading this right now,) really bothers me. But I think it is important to ask why. What is it that I am protecting. To be honest I really don’t know, all that I know is if I am aware that people who know me are reading these posts then I immediately begin to filter what I write. It is my special thoughts I  don’t want people know . There are just somethings I don’t mind saying out loud, but I don’t like to air my dirty laundry to people I know.

What are you thoughts on that?

Introduction

This is the start of my first post. I am very excited to express the amazing events that are happening in my life and the lives of my friends. I spend so much time helping other’s and now I think this blog with help me. I hope to attract anyone who will offer insight to broaden and enrich my life and perspective. This is an amazing time to be alive. The universal conscience is connecting more and more.  I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you.

Hello world!

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