Everything is backwards

As I continue to grow and discover the secrets of life, I realize how many times I have run across the same information, but only recently do I really get it. I am going to chalk it up to the fact that I broke down all of my beliefs, end rebuilt them from ground up. ( That sounds much better than admitting the fact, that I completely avoided the obvious rules of life and success.)  One aspect that I believe that I am very fortunate is that I discovered at a relatively young age, that money wasn’t enough to satisfied me. I needed something to feed my soul. Maybe a lot of people know this, but for someone with expectations of money making jobs, this was a big thing for me. Once I started real-estate, I got a check for $18,000 one month. TO some that is nothing, to some it was huge. For me,  as a 24 yr old girl, that was huge to make in one month. I always remember thinking, if I had that much, my problems would be over. Every time  I would say that phrase the number kept getting higher and higher. The money just seemed like numbers. Numbers that  kept going up. I am not the type of person that feels a sense of power when it comes to money, I just wanted to do more of what made me happy. Boxing

Then came the battle of trying to do what makes me happy and still have money. This battle lasted about 2 years, and the battle won, and left me in debt. I felt that doing real-estate was taking away from my happiness. I resented it. Eventually I had to face the fact that I need money to survive, unless I want to live of the land, and I like my soft bed and my nice house.

This leads me to the point of learning the fundamentals all over again. Things are not going to be perfect, sacrifices are going to be made.  Right now I work a graveyard shift at night so that during the day I can sell real-estate and go to the boxing gym. It is a lot right now, but now instead of looking at real-estate as a burden, I look at it like a blessing. I have a lot of opportunity through real-estate. I am definitely not perfect now. I am learning how to manage my time, to be consistant, and to stay focused.  It will be a long road, but one thing that I have learned is how to take one step at a time.

For anyone out there who feels overwhelmed and feels like they are behind the learning  curve, don’t worry. I think we all learn our lessons in a different order. Some of us go backwards.  

Follow the spot light.

With every “Ahh Ha” moment that I have I bask in the glory of this wonderful feeling. Sometimes it is short moment and sometimes it  lasts weeks. I started to visualize what it felt like.  It is like being in a dark room and then all of a sudden the warm sunlight shines on you. It feels so warm and comforting, like I never want to move from this very spot. I sit there absorbing every ounce of sun light and then I start to feel the sun move away . The coldness is returning and I am awakened to the dreary room with no light, and the sun is in a different spot. So why not follow the spot light. Follow the light through every point of the room. That way you never have to feel the full affects of the cold dark room.

I have realized that everytime I feel inspired, the feelings begin to fade. I feel like I am in a cycle, and everytime I am lit up, I make no progress. Then it came to me, everytime the spot light shined on me, I was so consumed with that feeling that I wanted to stay there. I was thinking that if I stay right there I would continue to feel the light. The light is always moving and the only way to feel the light  all the time, is to follow it.

Heavy thinking

Wow. I had such a realization today thanks to my wonderful friend Derik. Sometimes it makes me laugh how simple things are and how hard I make them. I called my friend and proclaimed ” I am going to make a choice!” I am sure his reaction was ” Oh great, what now.”  I told him that I was ready to move forward in my life. I have been treading water for so long and I wanted to make a decision. He continued to ask me questions. I wanted to choose between boxing and moving on with something else. He knew me when I first started the sport. He saw what a wonderful affect it had on me. Then he also witnessed the change in me once I toldmyself that I was going to compete. (Two years later with lots of frustration, I still have not competed.) I have been frustrated and the wonderful feeling that I use to have going to the gym in now inconsistent.

He asked me what changed. And we realized that it was my attitude that changed. The moment I “decided” to compete I gained weight, and have continued to get heavier and heavier.  The gym was good for a while, but after a year with no fights, it became a job. Just extra work that I have to fit into the day. Then when my bills have piled up and I bought a house and have more responsibility, the more it became a drag. I still love it, and even through all the frustration and haze I can still see that.  So this is when I wanted to make a decision. I am ready to move forward. I explained all of this to my friend and he pointed out how the moment I decided to move forward, I stopped. The time when I wasn’t thinking about moving forward, I was. All of this heavy thinking was translating into my body.  It was amazing to realize all of this.  SO simple yet, I was so blinded. So now I get to go train and enjoy boxing the way I always have.

Taking the easy way out

Today I got scammed out of $250.  I am not even pissed off, I just feel stupid. I was so caught up in what I wanted, that when someone offered it to me so easily, I just assumed it was the law of attraction working. But instead, I got scammed. The first thingthat always comes to my mind is, “what did I do wrong.” Not necessarily the action, because that is obvious, but what kind of energy is being put out there?  I believe in the law of attraction, so why did I attract this? My friend said, “you can’t always have the easy way out.” That rang true. I think I wanted to have some easy way that was going to magically work, and when I was presented with that magical way, I didn’t question it at all. I was so happy with the fact that I was connected enough with the source that something came to me that was perfect. The perfect amount, perfect timing.  This is what we are to believe, that if we can imagine it and believe it, it will come in perfect form.

So now I am confused. Does all of this law of attraction work? I was in-line, I was connected, I was feeling positive, not a negative thought was going through my head.  How did this happen and why? Is this the universe telling me that I can not have what I want and that I need to get my head out of my a**.  Was this just too good to be true. Does the need for my lesson out weigh the need to believe in making things happen. The worst part about it, is that not only was I scammed, my friend purchased a ticket for me that was very expensive. He was so generous, and I am sure that he has better uses for that money than to spend it on me.  So now I feel that we both are losing. (even though I am going to visit my friend whom I love dearly and I can not wait to see him.)

At this point I have to let the anger go, because if I don’t I won’t have fun all weekend and that is the whole point about this.  How do I go and spend money freely and use the law of attraction to bring more money in, when I was just swindled out of the money using that same thought process.

Does everything happen for a reason, or was I just caught in the cross fire.

Set yourself up for success

There are certain people in life that seem to always win. They are good at whatever they do, or they specialize in one aspect and are remarkably talented. I use to correlate this success with starting young. People who start athletics or music or business at a young age, tend to be successful. Today I realized something. It is not how soon you start, but how you set yourself up for success. Example: If you are on a diet, and your house is full of cookies and chips and junk food; then clearly you are going to have a hard time losing weight. It is possible, but much harder. If you are a singer and have never sung in front of an audience, and the first time you sing in front of 100,000 people. It is a good chance you will mess up.   But for some reason we all think that we have to do these giant leaps to prove we can do it. Then when we fail, it only discourages us from trying again. We think we are not good enough. We need to crawl before we walk. I have a tendency to jump way ahead of myself, and expect to be on top of the mountain before I have gotten to base  camp. So now, I have created a pattern the consistently disappoints. I have been setting myself up for failure. The only difference between me and a person who has reached success at a young age, is just simple. They discovered the system to set yourself up for success. And now they have a thought pattern that sets them up for success. It does not matter at what age we discover this, it only matters that we understand it and begin to use those principles.

I have been trying so desperately to figure out why I have not reached my goals. People have tried to tell me before, But of course, we can only take advice that we are ready to accept.  I have also wanted to find a good affirmation that I can tell myself. And now I have it: ” I always set myself up for success.” I can only imagine how many different aspects of my life this will help me. I hope it helps you too. 

Attachment

I had a wonderful discussion with my friend today regarding my post. He is an amazing person who has the incredible ability to just listen and really hear what is going on underneath the surface. If you haven’t figured out yet, most of the time when something is bothering us, it is usually not the problem we are focused on. It is something much deeper. If you really think about it, we have on a small number of basic emotions. Sadness, happiness, guilt, jealousy,etc… Once you can identify the emotion, then you can address it and resolve it. The reason why it becomes so complicated is because we begin to attach several different problems into one bundle. It becomes confusing and jumbled, and very hard to identify what the core issue is.

 

If you want to workout, and you tell yourself that you cannot workout until you buy new snickers, and you don’t have enough money to buy shoes, so you can’t buy shoes until you get a better job, and you can not get a better job until you have been with the company for 6 months. Now you are continually getting farther and farther away from your goal. Many of us do this on a constant basis, It is called the HAVE, DO, BE  complex. (the unofficial term) When I Have this, I’ll Do that and I’ll Be Better.  It can go so far, that we don’t even remember what is the real problem.

For example: I spoke to my friend about my boxing.  I was so confused, and when we spoke for a moment, he pointed out what was happening to me. I had an image of what boxing had to be. A very narrow image of what I thought it has to be like. What Ihave to be like. I put so many restraints on what I thought it had to be, that the pressure was doing the exact opposite. I want to become a professional because I enjoy doing it, and I would love to challenge myself and see how far my mind will take my body.  But I built up so much pressure of how I needed to be that I was no longer enjoying myself anymore. It became painful rather than rewarding. I had to fix my finances before I can fight. I can’t train because I need to focus on my finances. Once I fix y finances then I can box. Now I have attached boxing with bad finances. So even if I do fix them, they will decline again once I start training. I enjoy the training, the rigorous workouts, pushing myself. Knowing I enjoy that, I  know the only difference was my mindset.  Once I was able to release those thoughts, I immediately felt a huge sense of release, and the urge to return to the gym. My friend suggested to let life show me what it has in store for me. ( Again I wrote a post about that the other day.) So I will let boxing show me what boxing has in store for me. For now, I am just going back to the gym to do what I love. And the rest of my life and finances will remain in a good state.

I know that there are only a hand-full of people who read this post, but I want to encourage you to send any of these posts to a friend. I feel like I am on a roll, progressing so rapidly  and having epiphanies on a daily basis. I would like to share my journey and hopefully bring some people along.  I know I keep this post anonymous, but I like to share my thoughts even though I don’t share my name.  Maybe some of you are going through some of these same revelations and I would love to hear you stories and your thoughts.

Have a wonderful day !

Do I really want that?

 Inspired by my last post of evaluating whether we know what we want, I began to evaluate my own desires. I have had a desire to become a boxer. This is not a wild fantasy,  I have been training for over 3 years now and I have talent. With commitment, I could have a successful career. It seems rather simple doesn’t it, commit and my desires will be fulfilled. That is just it, I haven’t been able tocommit. When I originally started boxing, I had no desire to compete. (The thought of getting hit was terrifying and ridiculous.) Now that I say it out-loud, I can’t understand what brought me to the gym in the first place. It was an impulse. Once I started the training something came alive in me. Walking into the gym, a stillness settles over me. No matter what is happening on the outside world, inside those walls we are all equal. The only thing that separates us is our skill level and commitment to the sport. Poor people, rich people, ignorant people, wise people, we all come together and have a unity. We are in it alone, yet we are all together simultaneously. I don’t know if everyone feels this way about the sport, but I do. And many others do to, and that is what connects us. Everyone thinks that fighters are  crazy, but when we see another fighter, it makes sense.

So, what is the problem? Well for about 2 years now, I have said that I want to fight, with no fight to my record. I’ve trained hard but the moment a fight comes along something falls through. Sometimes there are no fighters available for me, and sometimes I am not available. I have to work, I dont have enough time to train, I am not at the proper weight. I take full blame for this. When I have thought about giving up a huge part of me says, ’you will regret never trying’. It is true, I must be at peace with the reason of why I did not pursue boxing. I don’t want to think for the rest of my life what could have been if I had only gotten my sh*t together.

This is what I have so far been unable to resolve; What side is my ego on?   Has my ego taken the side of, you must become a boxer or you will be a failure all your life. Or, has my ego sided with, If you become a boxer you will be poor and not be able to live you life freely. You will have to sacrifice more than you are willing. What’s the point. Is it possible that my ego is fighting both sides and has left me, my body and my progress, in a ditch unable to move.  At this point I have to question myself. I have lectured myself and gone to the gym many times saying, this time I am going to make it. This time I am going to be consistent and I will get a fight.  I will train hard for a period and then stop. Each time it is getting shorter and shorter. And right now I haven’t gone to the gym in a month. It seems clear that I won’t become a boxer this way, that I am sure of.

 So again I ask myself the question, if I have struggled so long to become something my mind is resisting, does that mean I should stop and accept the fact that boxing will never be a career for me. Even asking that question now, I don’t know.  But I believe for the first time, I am willing  to accept an answer. I have gotten so deep in this rut, it seemed as though I would never get out.

So now I am going to sit in silence and ask for the answer.

What does life have in store for you?

With the uncovering of the law of attraction, we are now empowered to do and have what we want. “You can be anything you want to be.”  Today I was watching Eckhart Tolle on Oprah talking about his book “Awaken you life’s purpose.”  He talked about allowing life to reveal  its purpose for you, and if you are still you will have impulses that will lead the way.  This triggered something within me. Many times we have something set in our mind that we want to accomplish. We become obsessed with it, fixated on it, positive that we have to have it. (a job, or a mate, etc…) We know about the law of attraction and use the principles to achieve what we believe to be the solution. For somethings it works, and for others it just does not work… WHy? Why does it not work for some circumstances and work for others.

When Eckhart Tolle said to silence yourself and see what life has in store for you, I really began to think. It is similar to the christian belief that ” god has a plan for everyone.”  Think about the times in your life that you were trying to get something done and for some reason it would not happen, later to discover that you are better off for not having done the very thing you were trying so hard to achieve. 

I was speaking to a friend today, and she was talking about a job. She said this is the perfect job for me. Whenever she tried to figure out what she would do next in her career, this job came to the conclusion. (Even  though she only wants this job for 3 years.)  It just so happens that this particular job is on a hiring freeze that was set in place two weeks into the interviewing process. If they had interviewed 2 weeks earlier maybe she would have the job. But she doesn’t. Why? If this was the job for her, then why doesn’t she have it?  What does life have in store for my friend?  If we are not silent and accepting, then we will never find out.

As humans we find a formula and try to use the hell out of it. Look at the music these days. There is almost a generic feel to it, they have found a formula. Verse 1, chorus verse 2, chorus ,verse 3 fade out.       So now with the law of attraction we think we have all the answers.  We think  because we know how to attract good things into our life that we can dictate each moment of our lives. Unfortunately that is not the case, but what an exciting idea to put out my wish list and see where life takes me. It may end up some where you never expected, or somewhere you saw in your dreams.

So maybe next time you are struggling, take a long walk a listen to your inner being. Let it take you to the next level. 

I would love to here anyones fun stories of where this was true for them.

Acceptance

I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Part of the reason these people make me so happy is because I accept them for who they are. It is truly an amazing phenomenon when that happens. All of a sudden, you see only goodness of a person. Instead of seeing all the things that annoy you and things that ‘ you would never do’. Now you just say, oh well, that is just who they are. Then you get to see all the aspects about the person you like. It is so cool, the more you are willing to give, the more life gives you.   You give in and say, I am going to accept you for your faults. Then life gives you rose colored shades where everything is happy. And it is all about our perspective and openness to other people. It is a rippling affect. When you accept people, they accept you. Then they see with love and happiness. It multiplies exponentially.

It only makes sense to be as accepting  to other people as you can. Sometimes you don’t have to agree with someone to accept them. 

right in front of our face!

I have been casually seeing this man for about 1 1/2 years. I have always liked him but only from a distance. I never got close enough to him to have a relationship. I think he has grown spiritually over the past few years, and so have I. I always hold him in high regard, but just thought that there are a few things about him that I would not be ok with. He drinks a lot and smokes pot. ( He has a good job and takes good care of himself.So not the typical pot head)  I had my crazy years and for me, I have been through that and I am over that and now I don’t enjoy smoking anymore. I don’t think there is anything wrong if he wants to do that, but I know I would get very frustrated with him if we were dating. I don’t want to change him so we have remained friends for the most part.

 We are very intimate with each-other. It is not just about sex. I go to see him and we talk for hours, before and after. He listens to everything I have to say. He knows me so well, sometimes I think he understands me better than I understand myself. I am truly amazed at how much he pays attention to what I say and what I want. I told him that he should where lotion so his skin is soft, and now he uses lotion. (I can feel the difference!) I said I like it when he wears cologne, (he wears cologne every-time I see him.) I am just so amazed at how sweet and nice he is.

I recently had a revelation about myself. I realized that I won’t open myself up to the people who I really think are important to me. Now I know that sounds like a cliche, but when you see other people doing it, and you point it out about other people. Then all of a sudden you see that you do that same thing, it is crazy. Now, I would admit before that I keep people at a distance. Maybe that is why I was so shocked, because I knew I did it, but I did not realize to what extent. I thought that I was aware of the way I was. Now after a series of experiences that I have had, I am starting to open my eyes.  This whole time I think I was subconsciously doing things that would keep the men I want from wanting me, and me from wanting the men that want me. And what is even more confusing… There are two men!

Now I am not with either of these men, so I am not cheating or lying about anything, so this is not about that. But one man I dated for over two years. I broke up with him because he would not totally open up to me.  Then after him I met the second man. We casually dated off and on. I still talk to both of them. The first man, when I speak to him, i think I am glad we are not together now, but I can see a future with him. He is incredibly wise, honest, gorgeous man who makes my heart melt when I see or speak to him. ( not because he sweet talks me, just because I love and respect him as a person.) He definitely cares about me, but I think he keeps me at arms length away. Then the second man, the one who I keep at an arms’ length away. He is not quite as wise but he is very insightful. He gives himself to me, listens to me, adores me, is always there when I need him.  (Actually the first and second man are very different, but the core personality traits are very similar. They are both very honest, very loyal, very insightful, and tell it exactly how it is. )

So I just had two separate experiences with both of these men recently. (not sexual, just emotional.) I was mad at the first, and we spoke about it. Cleared out a lot of issues that I had kept from the time we dated. I realized how wonderful he was, and how I over react and blow things way out of proportion. He, of course, used his wisdom to calm me down and I felt so much better. I realized why I have always just loved this man with all of my heart.

Then a few days later I went to visit my second man. We sat and talked about what was going on in my life. I talk to him about the other man,  and we talk about other woman he is dating. I told him that I was blogging, and his response was, “That is perfect for you. You can vent your feelings and be completely anonymous about it” He always says little things like that, that show me how much he pays attention to who I am and what I am like. It was so wonderful to talk to him. He is genuinely interested in me and what I do. He really is a great guy. I thought to myself. Wow, AM I treating him the same way that my x treats me.  If that is true, it consoles me to know that because,  I do truly care about the second man. I think that I just don’t know how to open up to him.I think subconsciously I sabotage myself. So maybe the first guy feels the same, he does care about me but doesn’t know how to be open. 

 So now that I am opening my eyes, how does this work. Will the first guy one day open his eyes to me. Or now that my eyes are open , do I look and see the man in front of me. Right now I am not going to do anything. I am going to explore these thoughts and emotions. I am just so thankful that I have been able to spend time with these two wonderful men. They are truly sooo special and I am blessed to share myself with them. I have no idea how this situation will turn out, all I am going to focus on is that all 3 of us end up with the perfect person. MAybe none of us will be together or maybe I will end up with one of these wonderful men. I am just so happy that I am learning so much about myself and that I am 27 years old and have given myself time to develop into the person I am before choosing the one man I spend my life with.   

Ladies, make sure you tell your men how wonderful they are. We need to spend more time with positive reinforcement and QUIT NAGGING. There are some amazing guys just waiting to share themselves with us.